avoiding...

avoiding.  obviously avoiding since as you can see my last post was 2 weeks ago.  onward i go.  I am considering going back to weight watchers...  it has never worked for me in the past so I don't know why this would be any different.  I had a very good run with myfitnesspal.  and while I was tracking I was losing but it is so hard when not everything is so easy to track... I don't know.

Anyway, I am up again, feeling like crap, no energy... I just need to make up my mind and do it.  again.

we'll call those feet swollen...

Well, I finally figured it out!  All of the mirrors in my house LIE!!!  Except one... from this point forward I will only trust the downstairs bathroom.  Walked by and saw the truth... Honestly, I can get dressed and think I look ok but I have some serious work to do on the mid section.  It is hideous!!   But that is all I am going to say because destructive self talk gets me no where.  Now I know, I am enlightened and I will not avoid this mirror!  

Weigh time... well actually it was yesterday but here it is.... 

Seriously,the day before was a lot better...  I wish I had taken that picture earlier... moving on!!

My feet are yucky, not just because I need a pedi but because they look swollen!  But are not!!  UGH... moving on ... again...

I am working on the C25K program and am on week 3 day one.   It went OK but I am going to work to increase distance.  In the time allotted I don't even complete 2.5 K.... a work in progress!!

weigh in and off topic rambles

Yesterday was weigh in day.  So here it is...

Man my feet are gross!!

I feel like this is exactly where the scale was the last time but maybe I am down a pound.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to get one of the fancy schmancy digital jobs.... like I need to get new shoes (the running kind!  Really, I swear!  Maybe I will post a pic of my nearly 2 year old shoes!)  and a new treadmill and new workout clothes and new this and new that.  By the way, I want to paint the walls in my house, put up window treatments, install built-ins, finish the basement and put on a deck.  Then I will be happy.  WOW that was way off topic.

Anyway, in response to an earlier post.... guess what!!??  I do want it badly enough!  I pep talked myself right out of bed this morning at a dark 5am and hit the treadmill for 20 minutes.  I know not a marathon, or half or even enough time for a 5K... at my pace maybe it was a mile, I don't know I didn't look.  Point??  I do want it!!

So the beautiful thing was that this morning and afternoon, I felt great!!  I didn't hit my usual energy slump that I usually hit mid morning and after lunch and after work.  I had really high energy all the way until right about now, 7:35pm.  yikes... I just put NJ down to bed and fortunately W has the other and I don't have any work that HAS to be done tonight.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.  I am going to get up early, hit the treadmill, maybe do a few sit ups while I am at it and have a fantastic day.  Until next time...

Well, it IS official... I don't want it badly enough.  I cannot force myself to get out of bed early to work out, I cannot force myself to work out after a long day at work.  I just don't feel like it.  It is damn cold outside so I will blame that.  I need a bigger motivation?  Bigger than looking good? A real plan?  Consequences?  I just don't know.  I signed up for a virtual 5K but we are supposed to get a blizzard on Friday, seriously ... I don't want it that bad.  I think I would just rather stay fat than run in that.  Oh, I could do it on the treadmill but UGH... I just don't want it badly enough!! 

On the positive side, I am seeing some results just with watching calories.  I have lost some pound-age so that feels good.  So I carry on...

a little faith, please!

I was watching my usual favorite show last night (from the DVR), the biggest loser and of course there were the usual breakdowns about why these people are so fat.  This prompted me to start pondering my why.  I have thought about this many times and since I am not a general excuse maker it is difficult for me to find the why for my overweight-ness.... except that I love food and I love to eat.  My mom is a food pusher and has her own food issues but no one makes me put food in my mouth.  I do that all by myself.  My dad was and still is an emotional abuser, do I eat to cope?  I am not really sure.... These things I do know to be true:

• I eat when I am bored.
• I have a very hard time resisting sweets.
• If something tastes good (ie dinner) I eat all of it, even if I am stuffed.

So, what then?  These are things I need to overcome, sure.  But as I sat there pondering the real questions hit me.  Why am I STILL fat??  Why can I not lose weight and keep it off?  Maybe I do need to address the how in how I got here but I do have all the tools to lose yet I don't.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I don't think I can do it.  I don't think I'll ever get there so I sabotage.  This is something I have known for a long time, I see pics of people who have done it... I get all inspired and then I think... I will never get there.  That will never be me.  Then the damage and the undoing begins.  It starts small with some overeating but then turns into straight binge.  For days.  Is it that all I need is a little faith?  I get tons of encouragement from friends but I need to have faith in myself.  I need to keep telling myself that I CAN do this!!  I CAN DO THIS! 

My latest inspirational blog Runs for Cookies takes pictures of the scale every week with feet.  I love this idea so here goes...

yes I need a pedi, it is January, cut me a break!

So here's to faith!  Until next time... :) 

Rock bottom? Not quite but almost...

Hi me again.  I am starting to wonder if this blogging thing is really for me.  I start, make a few entries and then abandon ship.  Is this the way to go?  Do I have anything profound to say?  I wish so badly that I had answers for myself. 

When I started this blog over 9 months ago I was totally motivated and then failure.  I failed the group I had joined, miserably...  I quit going, I gained, it was ridiculous.  There is that sabotage thing again... yay.  I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, mainly out of shame.  I was doing pretty well, lose a little, maintain, gain, lose... it was a slow process.  Time became a factor and I quit.  Where has that gotten me?  Right back to square F-ING one.  Right now, I am just angry.  I cannot even start to think about the disappointment.  I was on a pretty good roll there too... almost to pregnancy weight for NJ. 

My clothes are tighter than ever, I have zero energy, workouts don't exist.  What is it?  Do I not want it bad enough?  Is it that I just don't care?  WHAT???  Why can I not figure this out?  What do I need to do?  It seems like it should not be this hard but fail after fail after fail... what can I do?

I guess I will start by stopping... stop beating myself up, stop the pitty train, get off, pick myself up and go.

Small successes:  I have quit diet coke completely.  It wasn't easy at first but now I can have one occasionally and not crave.  It is great.  Quitting diet coke though, is when I started to really gain... hmmm.... I am not going back though so I will just have to figure that one out.

I did my first ever official 5K.  It was a total blast and I am inspired but it is a slow process.  I walked yesterday and did 15 minutes of a crappy yoga video today, I guess that is better than nothing.  Some movement is better than none, right!

And I leave you with this picture from the 5K... The Santa Hustle.





Me with FLT... many more of these events in our future!!

Mommy kissing Santa?  I so love this man!!

new/old motivation

As I posted earlier... I absolutely hate looking at pictures of myself.  I often delete any picture taken of me that shows more that chest down.  Today the weight loss topic was brought up at home and W and I went hunting for some old pics.  I remembered these pics from a trip we took exactly one year ago and a week before we started this weight loss journey.  I knew what they looked like, I had seen them when they were taken.  They never saw the light of day outside my computer file (I HOPE!  My dear mom took these pics and if she printed them... well, nothing I guess but I would be mad!)   Anyway, again, I hate hate hate looking at pics of myself.  I do own a mirror and I SWEAR I think I look good until I see the pic. So, today when I pulled these pics up from a year ago, I almost fell out of the chair.  It took everything in me NOT to cry.  I am officially 14 (ish) pounds lighter than when the pictures were taken so that does offer me a teeny bit of comfort but (explicative) I look absolutely awful and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, why am I babbling on and on about this??  Well, here I am once again, I have lost steam.  This week I have eaten buckets of chocolate although I have been eating decent meals.  How much harm will the chocolate do?  Only the scale will tell and today is weigh in day.  But, my big question right now as I sit here, fighting the tears "What is it going to (explicative) take??"  Seriously, Sarah, what is it going to take for you to do this?  You know what you need to do, it is going to hurt, it is going to take sacrifice.  I know I can do this, I KNOW I can.  I have to make better choices.  I have to say NO.  I have to quit chocolate and sweets like a smoker quits, like an alcoholic quits.  Not even a little is ok. I can't quit food but I need to fuel my body and nothing else!  I have read that when you forbid yourself certain things you go insane with the craving and eventually end of doing more harm because you binge binge binge. (I really didn't need to read this because I freakin' live it every day at the chocolate bowl in the office)  I have always said that I am going to allow myself to eat the treats but the problem is I never eat a little.  Never.  In the words of my not so favorite TV personality, Dr. Phil... "How's that workin' for ya?".  Well, the giving in is NOT working.  I think I have to just say no more.  I am going to call myself on the chocolate/sweet treat wagon.  Day one sober, I guess starts tomorrow since I have had several hershey kisses today.

So back to the pictures...I wasn't sure they would be there but apparently I never found the time to sift and delete.  This is very difficult for me to do but I am going to post it so I can keep the constant reminder of where I do not want to be...  until next time  :|

May 2011