new/old motivation

As I posted earlier... I absolutely hate looking at pictures of myself.  I often delete any picture taken of me that shows more that chest down.  Today the weight loss topic was brought up at home and W and I went hunting for some old pics.  I remembered these pics from a trip we took exactly one year ago and a week before we started this weight loss journey.  I knew what they looked like, I had seen them when they were taken.  They never saw the light of day outside my computer file (I HOPE!  My dear mom took these pics and if she printed them... well, nothing I guess but I would be mad!)   Anyway, again, I hate hate hate looking at pics of myself.  I do own a mirror and I SWEAR I think I look good until I see the pic. So, today when I pulled these pics up from a year ago, I almost fell out of the chair.  It took everything in me NOT to cry.  I am officially 14 (ish) pounds lighter than when the pictures were taken so that does offer me a teeny bit of comfort but (explicative) I look absolutely awful and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, why am I babbling on and on about this??  Well, here I am once again, I have lost steam.  This week I have eaten buckets of chocolate although I have been eating decent meals.  How much harm will the chocolate do?  Only the scale will tell and today is weigh in day.  But, my big question right now as I sit here, fighting the tears "What is it going to (explicative) take??"  Seriously, Sarah, what is it going to take for you to do this?  You know what you need to do, it is going to hurt, it is going to take sacrifice.  I know I can do this, I KNOW I can.  I have to make better choices.  I have to say NO.  I have to quit chocolate and sweets like a smoker quits, like an alcoholic quits.  Not even a little is ok. I can't quit food but I need to fuel my body and nothing else!  I have read that when you forbid yourself certain things you go insane with the craving and eventually end of doing more harm because you binge binge binge. (I really didn't need to read this because I freakin' live it every day at the chocolate bowl in the office)  I have always said that I am going to allow myself to eat the treats but the problem is I never eat a little.  Never.  In the words of my not so favorite TV personality, Dr. Phil... "How's that workin' for ya?".  Well, the giving in is NOT working.  I think I have to just say no more.  I am going to call myself on the chocolate/sweet treat wagon.  Day one sober, I guess starts tomorrow since I have had several hershey kisses today.

So back to the pictures...I wasn't sure they would be there but apparently I never found the time to sift and delete.  This is very difficult for me to do but I am going to post it so I can keep the constant reminder of where I do not want to be...  until next time  :|

May 2011