weigh in and off topic rambles

Yesterday was weigh in day.  So here it is...

Man my feet are gross!!

I feel like this is exactly where the scale was the last time but maybe I am down a pound.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to get one of the fancy schmancy digital jobs.... like I need to get new shoes (the running kind!  Really, I swear!  Maybe I will post a pic of my nearly 2 year old shoes!)  and a new treadmill and new workout clothes and new this and new that.  By the way, I want to paint the walls in my house, put up window treatments, install built-ins, finish the basement and put on a deck.  Then I will be happy.  WOW that was way off topic.

Anyway, in response to an earlier post.... guess what!!??  I do want it badly enough!  I pep talked myself right out of bed this morning at a dark 5am and hit the treadmill for 20 minutes.  I know not a marathon, or half or even enough time for a 5K... at my pace maybe it was a mile, I don't know I didn't look.  Point??  I do want it!!

So the beautiful thing was that this morning and afternoon, I felt great!!  I didn't hit my usual energy slump that I usually hit mid morning and after lunch and after work.  I had really high energy all the way until right about now, 7:35pm.  yikes... I just put NJ down to bed and fortunately W has the other and I don't have any work that HAS to be done tonight.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.  I am going to get up early, hit the treadmill, maybe do a few sit ups while I am at it and have a fantastic day.  Until next time...

Well, it IS official... I don't want it badly enough.  I cannot force myself to get out of bed early to work out, I cannot force myself to work out after a long day at work.  I just don't feel like it.  It is damn cold outside so I will blame that.  I need a bigger motivation?  Bigger than looking good? A real plan?  Consequences?  I just don't know.  I signed up for a virtual 5K but we are supposed to get a blizzard on Friday, seriously ... I don't want it that bad.  I think I would just rather stay fat than run in that.  Oh, I could do it on the treadmill but UGH... I just don't want it badly enough!! 

On the positive side, I am seeing some results just with watching calories.  I have lost some pound-age so that feels good.  So I carry on...

a little faith, please!

I was watching my usual favorite show last night (from the DVR), the biggest loser and of course there were the usual breakdowns about why these people are so fat.  This prompted me to start pondering my why.  I have thought about this many times and since I am not a general excuse maker it is difficult for me to find the why for my overweight-ness.... except that I love food and I love to eat.  My mom is a food pusher and has her own food issues but no one makes me put food in my mouth.  I do that all by myself.  My dad was and still is an emotional abuser, do I eat to cope?  I am not really sure.... These things I do know to be true:

• I eat when I am bored.
• I have a very hard time resisting sweets.
• If something tastes good (ie dinner) I eat all of it, even if I am stuffed.

So, what then?  These are things I need to overcome, sure.  But as I sat there pondering the real questions hit me.  Why am I STILL fat??  Why can I not lose weight and keep it off?  Maybe I do need to address the how in how I got here but I do have all the tools to lose yet I don't.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I don't think I can do it.  I don't think I'll ever get there so I sabotage.  This is something I have known for a long time, I see pics of people who have done it... I get all inspired and then I think... I will never get there.  That will never be me.  Then the damage and the undoing begins.  It starts small with some overeating but then turns into straight binge.  For days.  Is it that all I need is a little faith?  I get tons of encouragement from friends but I need to have faith in myself.  I need to keep telling myself that I CAN do this!!  I CAN DO THIS! 

My latest inspirational blog Runs for Cookies takes pictures of the scale every week with feet.  I love this idea so here goes...

yes I need a pedi, it is January, cut me a break!

So here's to faith!  Until next time... :) 

Rock bottom? Not quite but almost...

Hi me again.  I am starting to wonder if this blogging thing is really for me.  I start, make a few entries and then abandon ship.  Is this the way to go?  Do I have anything profound to say?  I wish so badly that I had answers for myself. 

When I started this blog over 9 months ago I was totally motivated and then failure.  I failed the group I had joined, miserably...  I quit going, I gained, it was ridiculous.  There is that sabotage thing again... yay.  I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, mainly out of shame.  I was doing pretty well, lose a little, maintain, gain, lose... it was a slow process.  Time became a factor and I quit.  Where has that gotten me?  Right back to square F-ING one.  Right now, I am just angry.  I cannot even start to think about the disappointment.  I was on a pretty good roll there too... almost to pregnancy weight for NJ. 

My clothes are tighter than ever, I have zero energy, workouts don't exist.  What is it?  Do I not want it bad enough?  Is it that I just don't care?  WHAT???  Why can I not figure this out?  What do I need to do?  It seems like it should not be this hard but fail after fail after fail... what can I do?

I guess I will start by stopping... stop beating myself up, stop the pitty train, get off, pick myself up and go.

Small successes:  I have quit diet coke completely.  It wasn't easy at first but now I can have one occasionally and not crave.  It is great.  Quitting diet coke though, is when I started to really gain... hmmm.... I am not going back though so I will just have to figure that one out.

I did my first ever official 5K.  It was a total blast and I am inspired but it is a slow process.  I walked yesterday and did 15 minutes of a crappy yoga video today, I guess that is better than nothing.  Some movement is better than none, right!

And I leave you with this picture from the 5K... The Santa Hustle.





Me with FLT... many more of these events in our future!!

Mommy kissing Santa?  I so love this man!!