new/old motivation

As I posted earlier... I absolutely hate looking at pictures of myself.  I often delete any picture taken of me that shows more that chest down.  Today the weight loss topic was brought up at home and W and I went hunting for some old pics.  I remembered these pics from a trip we took exactly one year ago and a week before we started this weight loss journey.  I knew what they looked like, I had seen them when they were taken.  They never saw the light of day outside my computer file (I HOPE!  My dear mom took these pics and if she printed them... well, nothing I guess but I would be mad!)   Anyway, again, I hate hate hate looking at pics of myself.  I do own a mirror and I SWEAR I think I look good until I see the pic. So, today when I pulled these pics up from a year ago, I almost fell out of the chair.  It took everything in me NOT to cry.  I am officially 14 (ish) pounds lighter than when the pictures were taken so that does offer me a teeny bit of comfort but (explicative) I look absolutely awful and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, why am I babbling on and on about this??  Well, here I am once again, I have lost steam.  This week I have eaten buckets of chocolate although I have been eating decent meals.  How much harm will the chocolate do?  Only the scale will tell and today is weigh in day.  But, my big question right now as I sit here, fighting the tears "What is it going to (explicative) take??"  Seriously, Sarah, what is it going to take for you to do this?  You know what you need to do, it is going to hurt, it is going to take sacrifice.  I know I can do this, I KNOW I can.  I have to make better choices.  I have to say NO.  I have to quit chocolate and sweets like a smoker quits, like an alcoholic quits.  Not even a little is ok. I can't quit food but I need to fuel my body and nothing else!  I have read that when you forbid yourself certain things you go insane with the craving and eventually end of doing more harm because you binge binge binge. (I really didn't need to read this because I freakin' live it every day at the chocolate bowl in the office)  I have always said that I am going to allow myself to eat the treats but the problem is I never eat a little.  Never.  In the words of my not so favorite TV personality, Dr. Phil... "How's that workin' for ya?".  Well, the giving in is NOT working.  I think I have to just say no more.  I am going to call myself on the chocolate/sweet treat wagon.  Day one sober, I guess starts tomorrow since I have had several hershey kisses today.

So back to the pictures...I wasn't sure they would be there but apparently I never found the time to sift and delete.  This is very difficult for me to do but I am going to post it so I can keep the constant reminder of where I do not want to be...  until next time  :|

May 2011

One is not ok

Da da da, la dee da... this seems to be a song in my head but I cannot quite put a finger on exactly what it is!

I don't have anything earth-shattering to share tonight but I figure it has been over a week since my last post, I ought to get something up here before I lose momentum!

Success and failure:

Failure first... I had a birthday this week and ate horribly for a few days...

I have not journaled food since April 15th.... 

Skipping the (whatever) dish at work has been much harder than I anticipated... I need a better plan for this although, I am not sure what that could be!!!  It is there, out there and I resist for a the first few times I walk in and I feel good and then the next thing I know... BAM I have over indulged and I have a tummy ache.  If I could just hold out and not eat even ONE (whatever sweet treat is there, today it was andy's candies, CURSE YOU ANDY!), I know I'd be ok.  I really need to get the brain on board here.  ONE is NOT OK!!!  Once I have the taste in my mouth I crave more and more and more and it is a freakin' train WRECK! I wish I could avoid this room but it is just not possible... or is it???  I will create an avoidance plan.  But I am just not sure this is the answer to the problem.  Don't I need to face it head on and teach/train myself to just say no?  I don't know.  In the meantime, I will just do the very best I can!!

Success that lead to failure... I gave up diet coke!!  For a couple days anyway.... that sort of put a little kink in my "I will sip DC instead of hitting the whatever dish."  I wasn't having coke so I had chocolate.  Then I decided it was ok to cheat on the DC plan to avoid the chocolate.  So I still consider this a success... I haven't had DC in the morning which has been my true addiction.  AND I have not had one everyday so it is still a work in progress but really, I never thought it possible and I am sooo happy!!!

Success:  I weighed in 4 pounds lighter for my second Wednesday weigh-in.  Now, granted, for the first weigh in I had a huge dinner and cheated a little but still, 4 pounds is a pretty big deal and now the I know how to measure myself, I can say that I have lost lots of inches.  Just none from the important places, hips and thighs.  Still a work in progress, as are most things here in my life!

Success:  I worked out one more time this week than I did last week.  Not saying much though because I didn't work out last week but still we will call this a success!  ¡Olé!  ☺until next time~

Ra Ra Ra, Sarah!

I am constantly reading tips and info about healthy living and weight loss.  I really should be an expert by now but for some reason I can't "walk the talk".  I am a work in progress and I do the best I can!

So, the latest and greatest...set specific goals.  Focus on where I want to be not how far I've come.  Make a contingency plan for tough situations.

Goals
I will have arms that I can be proud to show off. (lose inches)
I will set a good example for my girls. (This seems vague, I know but I can always revisit this one)
I will have 3 fitness sessions per week, even if it is only 15minutes. (Increasing as I go!!)
I will drink more water than Diet Coke in a day.

Where do I want to be?
I will weigh 125lbs!  (Am I nuts???)  I keep going back and forth, 135?  130?  125?  120?  Even at my lightest, in high school when I had the metabolism of a teenager, I weighed 118.  It is going to take some serious dedication to reach 125.  But this is what it is all about, friends!!  Teaching myself to WORK at something!!

Contingency plan
At dessert time-have coffee
Instead of hitting the ______ (fill in whatever treat here, there's always something!!) at work I will keep sipping diet coke.  I know it is not the best but it is calorie free and later I will work on switching that to water.

Switching the subject...In addition to reading anything and everything that comes my way, I follow several blogs and websites of people I don't know but yet inspire me.  The gracious pantry has become my new favorite.  Today the autor posted on facebook that she has new motivation.  Someone told her they truly believed she could not succeed in weight loss.  Heck yeah, I would call that some good/negative motivation.  I have never had anyone say "you can't do it"... except myself.  I have recently come to realize that negative self-talk, even in humor, is sabotage.  I HAVE to be my very own cheerleader.  Not only that, I have to be the loudest on my team!  So here it is, Ra Ra Ra, Sarah, You're number one!  You can do it, you know you can, you can do it, I am your biggest fan!  Ok, that can be a work in progress too.

Until next time  :)

The fresh, fresh start.

Post numero uno... or is it?  I am not new at the blog thing but I haven't done it in a while and this is a brand new blog for me.  Why?  Well, I would like to call this the fresh, fresh start.  How many times have I been down this road?  I cannot count but every time, I have failed.  Not this time. 

When I was young and dumb, weight never really was an issue.  It wasn't until I hit my 20's that the scale started to give a little whine when I got on.  After baby number one I found myself heavier than ever and while I DID care about that, I refused to do anything about it.  Baby girl number 2 arrived in '08 and wowsers is all I can say!  For a while, after all the pregnancy stretching settled, I didn't even recognize myself in pictures.  It was weird, like they played a trick on me.  I looked at myself in the mirror every day and didn't think I looked too bad but then I would see a pic of myself and would see a stranger.  It is still that way to this day.  It saddens me to go through the picture files because there really aren't many of me.  I don't mean that to sound bratty, like WHAA, there are no pictures of me.  It is just that if a picture is taken of me and I don't like it, I delete it.  I am sure my girls are going to look back one day and wonder where the heck Mom was!  I was uploading our most recent vacation pictures (see above) and I caught myself doing it!!  No more, I stopped before it was too late.  I accept responsibility for where I am with my weight and I will use these pictures as motivation.

So I have tried many programs with little success.  I am not sure why but I sabotage myself.  It is very strange... every biggest loser competition I have attempted, I ended up gaining!!  Most recently, a little less than I year ago I started to meet with a nutritionist with weekly weigh-ins.  I have yo-yo ed but overall have lost about 10lbs.  Again, though, I will sabotage myself with thoughts like "YAY you lost 2lbs!  Go eat a pound of chocolate, a cheeseburger and a fatty steak, and while you're at it, have dessert with every meal this week."  Finally!!  I have acceptance.  I said it out loud!!  This is why I think this time will be different!!

The truth is, never in my life have I really had to work at or for something.  I skated through high school and breezed through college.  I have a wonderful job that landed in my lap and while it is a lot of work it is just what I do.  When it comes to committment though, I struggle.    Like these blogs I start with the best of intentions... These things take up time and I can always find other ways to spend my time.  These things never stick.  Weight loss, for me, is going to take serious work and committment.  I cannot just breeze through it and expect it to happen for me.

I would like to say that this is day one, maybe I will just go ahead and do that.  As I said earlier, I have been (sort of seriously) working at this for about 10 months.  Isn't is supposed to be a pound or so a week of weight loss? Not a pound per month!! I am struggling to see the success here! A loss is a loss but I can do better!

So where am I now?  Well, I am going to continue my weekly nutritionist meetings.  I just joined a new weight-loss challenge group.  I am not sure I will win because I don't have the most to lose but I know I can do well.  I am still feeling my way around nutrition.  It is all so confusing but I do know this... fresh is best so we'll keep on that path.  Until next time...